The Daily Habit


Art work by Healthy Place.

Wake up, work out, eat, potter…rinse and repeat.  These are the things that keep my odd brain on the (relative) straight and narrow.  Throw in the life must-do’s; work, school run, parenting,  all of that stuff and it sounds like a pretty balanced life.  Right?

But what happens when that’s not enough?  When your odd brain takes charge and the tools you use to keep you sane, don’t work.  For me I descend into panic.  Sometimes over real things but, more often than not, over possibilities.  The possibility that “something” could happen.

I keep my life pretty tight.  It’s my way of coping with the anxiety I experience.  I know what I have to do and how I have to manage myself (and often how I have to manage others around me, sorry guys).  And even though the anxiety is always there, it’s not always at the front of my mind.  But when the anxiety turns to panic, all bets are off.   I can’t reason with myself, I can’t talk myself out of it, I can’t see a way out of it.  When a panic attack sets in, I have to let it run it’s course.  And I fucking hate it.

Recently I’ve been managing quite well.  Consistent exercise, eating well and good people have all contributed to putting me in a good space.  When I get panic attacks during these times, times of happiness and calm, that’s when it bothers me the most.  When panic appears, seemingly out of nowhere and I get frustrated and irritated with myself that I can’t go for a time without descending into this version of myself.

So what is there to do?  Wake up, work out, eat, potter…rinse and repeat.  I mean, otherwise I’m just giving into it right?  And I can’t let it win.  And maybe tomorrow will be different.

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